Breaking the glass

Breakpoint (2025)

(a somewhat less moving meditation)

Today I'm made of shards sharp splinters prickles thorns fangs car alarms acid rain your disdain my rancid shame brittle blame. Yeah yeah the same old shit. Get over it. Shake rinse off rise above be zen. Get on old mule lap dog hag hen chicken and egg, it's time you learned not to whine and beg when hard work comes your way. Now get in the day get on be done next ones need attention you can't just ignore them, the debts and intentions you earned. Chance spurns these honourable mentions! The Watchers wait and wager wonder waver wave their wands hands change our fate, what have we learned? Did we wait too long? Did our meddling close the gate? Did we muddy up the song? Denying trouble simply doubles so today only time tells perfect timing from late! Have you decided? What do you make bake into every step stroke take? where does self form the bait swallowed switched at birth? What is it worth to your soul love when dignity trips off the edge of Earth's fate? Will you grasp your closing heart's last clasp just in time, or a second too late? Our mistake is indulging the illusion of still. Instead, imagine muster rally gather borrow choose accept WILL your chance to finally face your inescapable birth! That's a story to live! A life of worth.

We wait.

Back again

Care (CAI 2023-2025 in progress)

 (a moving meditation)

No one asks if I'm okay

as if they care to know; they don't

they know; 

it's easier this way, I'm so willing to say

I'm fine

any fine print can be ignored

I can continue to play my part

be the metamorph, the thing you need, no strings

tool vessel portal role

wholly for you

no care for me required;

how I'm wired leaves me vulnerable; I depend on others

for touch, for exchange, for love

and I say I'd rather be alone than loved less than I deserve but I return, 

over and over

because 

I'll die alone

in isolation's cruel abuse

and if I can't be loved exactly, I can earn my way around

be of use

the work is the work, if nothing else after all

not every quest lifts every curse 

we well know care cannot be coerced 

only found

I have my ways I clear the days I move and keen expel and moan and groan and feel and reel around on the ground alone muscle blood bone a spirit alone in a body on earth among bodies unlike me so like me unlike me tapping deeper and through, not out, not through you but through me, like a tree, like the roots going down I am one I am wonder I live here and now I am precious and whole and full and entire I can face this again I can walk through fire I can and I do and I will and I am.

back again.

ready to face what I need to be

to be allowed to be around

and do the work, in service of the work, the work being the work after all and all ways

and any way

timing is everything. 

Some days are dark

 I don't remember who I am without grief, without pain

What it's like to traipse the world as though no one is missing

someone important not where they should be, so I need to be, for them, to hold, for them, this space;

I'm not sure when the me I was got replaced with a sack of pain

every day again to overcome 

not metaphorical, not emotional, not just 

physical, demanding, excruciating immediate

a false urgency, a constant claim on my will

and secret, practically a secret

because if I cried all the crying and screamed all the screaming there
would be no life left in me

and I owe this life to the choices I made 

A loosely-ordered List of Important Notes about Reality (Aia)

Reality is Relative (CAI 2024)

PLEASE NOTE:

Consensus Reality is an ongoing, mutual decision of physically-embodied, encapsulated energy, agreeing on their experience. 

Mattering:

Mattering is a decision to solidify. Solidifying is a decision to Matter. 

Mattering requires constantly creating One's Body

EVERY ONE MATTERS. 

Physical embodiment is rare. 

Intentionality Matters.

Energy:

One's energy engages An Other's.

Engagement can be generative, flow-through, depleting, or any combination.

Energy can be attracted, encouraged, blown in a direction, sucked in, pulled through, pulled in, pushed out, pooled, shaped, sculpted, circuited, dissipated, ignited, snuffed, reserved, reversed, amplified, exploded, channeled. 

Any energy is useful. 

All is energy.

Probability:

Chaos breeds order. 

Order breeds chaos.

Some disorder is required for favours of the possible to occur.

Nothing is impossible but almost everything is highly improbable.

Probability lines vary in density, strengths, and reach. 

Probability lines are "visible" with a sense of the human body. Or imagination.

Near-future-probables are the clearest and most precise to know and engage

Any future-probables beyond the immediate moment are subject to infinite forces that are not only difficult to manipulate but also create myriad effects that blur and obfuscate what is probable. The further future, the more chaos impacts on probability lines.

Isness likes a trick.

It doesn't matter what we do, we've already done it.

Everything we do matters completely. 

PLEASE NOTE:

Fucking around with reality is dangerous and can attract unwanted attention.

Chance:

Chance favours Luck.

Luck is neither good nor bad. Luck is neutral. 

Luck can be attracted and Chance will often follow. 

Chance is energetically expensive and draws attention.

Chance is energetically expansive and ripples the fabric of reality.

Timing:

Timing is everything. Every Thing.

Timing is as timing does.

Every Thing happens.

Allow and Indulge.

Timing is always perfect. 

Keep time to be in time.

Every-day notes:

Kindness and grace are Self-generative engagements that feel fulfilling.

Unkindness and judgement are Self-depleting engagements that feel fulfilling.

Empathy is a form of engagement that deserves energetic consent.

Every One loves something sweet.

Pain and joy are equally energetically rich.

Internal feelings and thoughts of one's body impact energy within and outside the body. 

Movement attracts energy.

Isness

The Universe tends towards uneven distributions in pursuit of order.

We are not at the Universe's complete mercy; we have already decided.

Any Ways, but not All Ways.

Anyway.

Asking Out Loud

Integral alignment attracts the favours of Chance.

Sound vibrations Matter. 

Speaking channels vibrational energy through intentionality.

Singing is the best prayer.

ACCEPT: Just because it's not real doesn't mean it's not true.

PLEASE NOTE: You don't understand and you don't have any control.

Doing

Much can be done. 

Doing can be generative, flow-through, depleting, or any combination at once

PLEASE REMEMBER: 

Consensus reality has a strong gravitational pull on energy

PLEASE NOTE: None of this is real.

BE AWARE:  All of this is true. 

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Uncomfortable to love

The Colour of Love (CAI 2024)

I try saying

instead of, they don't love me

I try saying, they

find me uncomfortable to love.

And I'm sure that's true 

I'm sure if you find yourself inexplicably

loving me 

maybe that's a lot,

and not what you expect

if you stumbled into love unprepared

for all the ways I'm me; maybe

the blame's not mine; maybe

it's just a situation, 

something that happens all the time, 

mis-matched needs and expectations

despite affection, spiting love

bad transmission, a frequency above

or below your song, maybe what's wrong

is your love itself, that you love me, anyway

even though, in spite

and that's a position rife with disappointment

not every love feels loving.

I suspect my thought experiment encodes delusion

I hope so; anyway, I build illusions every night

to carry me through the days.

Like it matters

All my selfies look tentative

I think I'm fine but the fine lines of not daring to hope poke through

wobbly smile, cautious eyes, shrinking chin

a face within a face, a shroud

not me, surely not the god that I am

staring back from this weak place of shame

not proud, not strong, not well, after all, not okay

on the edge, teeter totter

day after day treading water wasting space

trying to live

like I matter at all.

Not all men are the problem but...

 

Not all men. But...men.

Okay, hear me out though.

The problem isn't men exactly, it's that there are too many men. 50.2% of the human population is male (except where sex-selection abortion is used to skew - for example, India is at 51.6% male). We don't need so many. 30% would probably do, but we would miss them. Still.

99% of rapes are perpetrated by men (91% of victims are female). 89,000 women were killed by intimate partners in 2022, the same year that 88% of all murders in the U.S. were committed by men. This is true across crime types - men commit more crimes in every country, across all kinds of crime. Male humans are largely involved in, and pushing for, war, and the making of war machines. Males on the whole enjoy and tolerate a lot more violence than females.

Males of the human species are more prone to violence due to their hormonal makeup and the larger size of their bodies, making them threatening to smaller people and creatures, to the point where many would prefer to meet a wild bear than a random man alone in the woods. Within our cultures, men are also likely to support oppressive structures that favor them, and ignore social factors while favoring economic factors in voting. Male humans make poorer communicators than female as leaders in both corporations and non-profits, as well as government. They have a harder time controlling their emotions of anger and shame, and accessing their empathy and gentleness. Given all of this, it's hard to understand why anyone thinks they should be in charge of everything.

Males are generally less involved in child care or community building, less likely to volunteer, and even other men don't trust the self control of the average man enough to want their daughters or sisters wearing low-cut tops to a sports bar and leaving alone in the dark.

Everything I've said is founded in data that you can find easily by doing a search. These are generalizations but they are also true, based on reputably-researched facts, and few people would dispute the ideas based on their own experience of the wide world of men.

But NOT ALL MEN, for sure, even NOT MOST MEN, we know that. I love my men!

Really, it's the QUANTITY that is leading to problems. If 80% of men are not a danger and believe truly in equality and strive to live as Good Men, and men are 50.2% of the population, then about 10% of the population are a problem to peaceful society. But if men were only, say, 42% of the population, there would be numerically fewer assholes (8.4% of the population) AND the balance of power would be naturally shifted to reduce patriarchal power. Men are bigger, stronger, and the power structures of society still favour them, despite the meagre attempts to balance (labelled reverse discrimination). Reducing the male population percentage over, say, a generation or two, would naturally lead to a subtle shift in the way masculine and feminine values play out in society.

Gene-tinkering seems like the future anyway, right? Might as well think about it. Society would probably function just fine with a smaller percentage of males, and maybe we'd have a better chance, as a species, to teach them more self control when young, to overcome their hormonal over-stimulation and proneness to violence, if they weren't the default "majority" of every situation.

We know we don't need 1:1 for the species to continue. One man can father kids from multiple women at once if everyone wants (and sometimes when they don't), and they do that, regardless. Not all women need a partner - even if they did, it's not a 1:1 relationship in the population in that sense anyway.

Men are important in society, but they have their challenges physically and socially that would make having fewer of them seem beneficial to the overall peace of life. It's surprising we haven't evolved in that direction, but since we have the technology now, it wouldn't take everyone to make it happen. Just a percentage of new parents skewing female in the embryo selection every year could do it. Just look what India did by favouring boys with just the technology of ultrasound!

A female-skewed population might just achieve world peace in time for my grandkids to fry from global warming. Maybe we could even solve some of the issues and put that future off indefinitely, instead of diverting all our world's resources to war machines and the hoarding of a few sociopathic billionaires. Mostly men.

Just a thought.

A passing thought. Don't crucify me. Wait, that was men, too.

Lonely Artist Whine

Bird on a Wire (in the dark)
CAI 2024

Sometimes I panic with loneliness. 

I know, I'm surrounded with people. I run a cannabis store, so I see people all the time. I have a partner. I have two teenagers. They are my favourite people and if not for them, I might not see the point at all in anything. So who am I to be lonely?

But I am. I am a creative presence on Earth. I am full and brimming over with the need to create, with ideas and even some skill. I am fully primed but all alone. No one gets my work. No one cares about my work. No one encourages, supports, or collaborates. No one engages or gives ideas or helps or even takes the time to really look or read or notice. It's like an embarrassing mole everyone ignores, or a cute strangeness they pat me on the head for. But my work is deep and strong and important and undone. Over and over I try to shift this and over and over I find myself right back where I was. Alone. Panicking with the overwhelming aloneness. I long for creative partners, for someone, anyone, to stay with me awhile, work with me awhile, help me get better, help my work become fuller and produced and available, let me help them. Invest together. Take time and work together. Not just a moment, not just a quick feedback, not just an acknowledgement, though those things would also be better than nothing. But really actually work together on something we both care to see happen. 

Stay with me awhile. 

But no one stays. No one participates. No one actually cares.

So why do I? I don't know, but I do know it breaks my heart every day. 

The time is now

Mother Eunomia

Billionaires,

Your legacy can't be this. To die the most hated, as the world falls to pieces, in the name of your game of profit. The meanest, the worst, the most vile. Do you think the problems are not solvable? Is that why you continue to enact your cynical amassing and hoarding? But please, take heart, because it is all solvable. With the right foundations and emergent models, with the information we already have about how people behave and how systems work. Three generations, a hundred years. Or seven generations if you prefer the conservative estimate. But your legacy is to begin it, right. To put in place the foundations and the vision and the safeguards for ethical implementation. To use your funds instead of bombs and bullets, bombs of funds, bullets of funds, to eradicate the enemies: poverty, oppression, destruction, and exploitation, as you root out any enemy. Create an industry of peace. If you don't know how, ask me. You took all the resources of the world under your wing, so you have chosen the responsibility to use those resources to save the world you've destroyed to amass them. You need to shift your game, now. NOW.

All that is left when any of us die is dust dissipated into this planet of life, as long as it lives. Please let it live. 

Tangled

Tangled (CAI 2019)

There is not a direction my mind turns that isn't laced with worry. I think every person I care about has reasons I worry for them, from close to distant, to the world as a whole. I reach around in my mind and I can't settle on anyone who is just doing well. There is no safe haven for my thoughts, no space in which I feel secure in good feelings, not even sleep anymore. My painting is filled with angst, my writing is stalled by inadequacy, most of my days are filled with repetitive maintenance trying to stave off erosion, and I'm tired and in pain most of the time. Too many of the people in the world seem to be in a self-destructive thrall that is more and more threatening to just general peaceful coexistence. I feel like my voice is unhearable, I am invisible, and only platitudes ever even try to assail that sense.

Contextualizing a lifetime

 

The closer you look the less coherence you find (CAI 2022-24)

This is the download today, rough-hewn and unedited as I have NO TIME FOR THIS:

The Body and Spirit require several layers of translation as their comprehension of reality is very different. Body has Mind and Spirit has Wisdom. Generally speaking, Spirit only decides about important things, consulting Wisdom, which is bringing the knowledge of mind, body, and experience to a place Spirit can begin to understand and act upon. For most of our lives, Mind and Body make most decisions, overseen and nudged by Wisdom. 

Mind and Wisdom can speak directly about some things. Body and Spirit can speak directly about some things, and decide without Wisdom or Mind at all. Spirit can listen to Mind without the input of Wisdom, especially if Body is in favor, and act rashly or decisively (judged by our relation to the outcome). But generally, Spirit decides based on Wisdom, Body decides based on Mind, and their own whims of being. 

In each decade, the Spirit is at a stage or cycle of the lifetime, which then translates itself into the being to inform and guide choices and decisions that come most often during those periods. Body similarly informs Spirit, translating through Mind to Wisdom, which can affect how Spirit responds. 

If we are lucky we get 8 or maybe 9 periods of our lives, often measured by decades.

Pre-birth

Body - gestating (evacuating)

Mind - developing (stunting)

Wisdom - building (distorting)

Spirit - noticing (tuning out)

1st 10 years

Body - developing  (stunting)  

Mind - building (distorting)

Wisdom - noticing (tuning out)

Spirit - open (protective)

Pre-Teen

Body - building  (distorting)

Mind - noticing (tuning out)  

Wisdom - open (protective)

Spirit - asserting (insisting)

Teen   

Body - noticing  (tuning out)

Mind - open (protective)

Wisdom - asserting (insisting)

Spirit - expressing (doing)

20’s 

Body - open  (protective)

Mind - asserting (insisting) 

Wisdom - expressing (doing)

Spirit - evaluating (coasting)

30’s

Body - asserting (insisting)

Mind - expressing (doing)

Wisdom - evaluating (coasting)

Spirit - integrating (ignoring)

40’s

Body - expressing (doing) 

Mind - evaluating (coasting)

Wisdom - integrating (ignoring)

Spirit - attending (suppressing)  

50’s

Body - evaluating (coasting)   

Mind -integrating (ignoring)

Wisdom - attending (suppressing)  

Spirit - honouring (dismissing)

60’s

Body - integrating (ignoring)

Mind - attending (suppressing)

Wisdom - honouring (dismissing)

Spirit - deepening (disengaging)

70’s 

Body - attending (suppressing)  

Mind - honouring (dismissing)

Wisdom - deepening (disengaging)

Spirit - focusing (limiting)

80’s 

Body - honouring (dismissing)

Mind - deepening (disengaging)

Wisdom- focusing (limiting)

Spirit - preparing (avoiding)

90’s  

Body - deepening (disengaging)

Mind - focusing (limiting)

Wisdom - preparing (avoiding)

Spirit - ready (afraid)

I am not for you

Over Shadow

I am not for you.

My talents are not for entertaining you.

My works are not for you to consume.

My love is not yours to have,

My time is not yours to use.

But, I may give those to you anyway, for love, for fame, for fun

as a good host will offer her best pastries to the guest.

I am for Earth. I am for Peace. I am for Myself and my Family 4 and Our 

Good Life. 

We may intersect, support, help, enjoy

that's my joy

We may decide to hold cause in common

that's my passion

We may choose to share intimate understanding

that is my life's breath

and

I am not here for you.

We may choose to stay out of each other's repellent field

or disinterested way

and that is my loss, to not be for you, as I am, as you need.

But I am here, dealing too late with the weight of denials

hoping to shed some pounds and maybe lighten the uphill load for my last days of chances

to be here for a reason, after all.

Hope's like that

(CAI 2023)

Sometimes a wave of hopeful certainty washes over me 

like a sun-warm current brushing by in the lake, like 

 a warm breeze catching my cheek 

 on a cool day; like a loving ghost 

and I realize that this feeling is the closest I have come to peace 

so I savour it and I ask my spirit and body  to memorize it 

how it tastes and smells and tingles through 

how it swells and lightens too 

a glimpse to recall later when I need it most.

Coping. Hoping.

Hope to Cope (CAI 2023)

 I think we often lose sight of the point of this game. 

Peace. Peace on Earth. A happiness resort. An enjoyment park. Earth, the life-giving planet, a place to experience Heaven on Earth.

So why are we building Hell?

It's a choice. The 8 people in charge of the world could, together, use their billions, their power, their so-called genius, to force the world into a Heavenly state. Or a place where life matters, at least. Where we care about each life as the precious, one-time experience that it is. 

I cope. I cope by regular reset. I just got here. Just now. Everything I know, remember, feel, is Back Story to this avatar I inhabit. It feels so real. But it's only immediate, it only exists in my programming, in my character. And these people around me, most of them are NPC's - non-player characters. They are not even aware that they are in the game. But some of them, everywhere, there are people who are also me, also the same player I am, but playing thousands, millions of us, at once. So some of us are me. And some of us are the Other Players. Figuring out who is who would be a lot of work, so I just play. I look for a reason to love you. I look for a reason to show you me, to work our purposes together into something helpful to Peace. The goal. The only point. Peace on Earth. A beautiful celebration of life, every life. Not in the lifetime of this character, for sure, but since that's the focus of my play, what can this character do, from here? Maybe 20-30 years left, in a body going downhill. What will I do with this play? How many Karma Points will I earn for my Entity, my Team? How much experience will I add to the pool of Being that Being is Doing by Doing this form of Being?

I cope. I hope. 

Daily cry

Grief's Tender Hold (CAI 2023)

Every day I cry.

For a short time, in a controlled way, in a private space 

I let myself feel 

all the things about all the things

I lower the shields, allow

confusion, anguish, frustration, futility

grief

the straightjacket free-fall of life on earth

lava-burning tributaries searing through me

roiling and boiling over into moans and groans and whimpers and growls

and tears

facing the state of hate and fear of the world

seeing a future of pain unfurl, knowing

inside me is just too small to contain it all

without killing me.

I make time and space to move it through, expel what I can

because you know what they say:

better out than in

The taste of medicine

Not a promise (CAI 2023)

I never promised I'd be sweet.

Maybe I am the taste of your own medicine
dosed by the universe today 
through the play on words that is our exchange
maybe
your experience of me
is what you asked for, what you need
and I am just a tool of your subconscious evocation
the me you see not real at all
not even me, you see, not at all
just what you called, what you need someone to be

right now

If I've allowed a confrontation

what a gift! what a cost to me. 

You're welcome. 

Working through something

Early Days (CAI 2023)

When words are as exhausted as I am

When even paintings seem too verbose

When the people with the most understanding misunderstand substantially 

and like their version better

Does it even make sense to express? 

So it must be for me, I guess

I must want to for me or I wouldn't be here, typing

I wouldn't be here, trying 

when trying hasn't gotten me as far as one might expect. 

I'm working through something, that has nothing to do with anything

but my own experience, my own gut, my own integrity 

in a body of limited lifespan on a planet at a moment of history 

in a place I've chosen

cloaked and hidden in my warren

expressing through the illusion 

my own little versions of truth

Not for you, but maybe for you

if you're here, if the universe sent you.

Out loud is the price of my privilege to speak. 

Disappearing

Presence (CAI)

Disappearing seems to require

some kind of announcement 

because it's not about disappearing

it's about our absence

being

noticed

Breadcrumbs

The Tunnel (CAI 2024)

I never re-read what I write. You know my aversion to backwards. 

But I imagine if you happen here unexpectedly

for no reason I can think of but Chance 

you might wonder at my wallowing

which makes sense, after all

this is where I wallow 

Wallow and push. Wallow and push. 

Like Labour, which taught me more than just how much pain I can take, like

anything is possible 

achievement comes at cost

with grief and loss and gain

everything ends 

but it's just a change of the same

pain comes in waves

relief demands sacrifice but commits to no promises 

just dangled potential that glimmers in and out of focus.

dignity is impossible.

having literally no choice is the best driver when 

what I am doesn't cut it and

who I expected is still a stone's throw away

but now is happening today and everything is nothing

like I thought and I couldn't have guessed what I would do

until it's done. And that's what I did. 

Here is where I bite and tear and chew and swallow and expel

leaving behind

the breadcrumbs and excrement of my cored self

in case they are ever helpful for you. 

Listen to Happy Rhodes. Here's a familiar song to get you started: https://youtu.be/WoNGpa9tJkg?si=azfqeWSjVT4nhV1n