|Indomitable (CAIves 2012)|
It was like a dream of a future that made Now all the more pitiable. The story went, these people don't get me fully, they don't value what I value most about myself, but someday I'll find where I fit in. I held out that carrot to myself, that possibility, like my tribe was just something I needed to find, a quest I was on that would bring me home. When I was in grade school, I though my tribe would be waiting at the bigger high school. When I was in high school, I thought my tribe would be waiting at University. When I was at University, I thought my tribe would be out in the work world, and then at a company with a better mission, more values-based leadership, more innovation. Then I thought my tribe must be waiting in Community, among the people doing good, or the people creating art.
As the gurus like to say, what's the common denominator? Me. No matter where I am, it's me, not feeling like my best ideas are welcome, knowing my observations are threatening to the ideas of people around me. Afraid to show too much of what I really am, how I really am, because people send so many messages, at quite shallow levels of relationship, that make it clear that only a select few parts of me really fit, here. The Venn of "me" and "the group" gives a sliver of overlap, and I am expected to live in that thin oval between thick lines. All that changes is which sliver.
|Challenging the Status Quo (CA Ives 2013)|
Maybe I'm in the right place, and feeling alone and misunderstood is part of my role in the flow of What Is. It may be that my work in the world is holding a place of unbelonging, and finding ways to mirror the sight and voice that comes with being on the outside. My journey is the collective journey. My role is essential. Unbelonging is not something I am doing wrong, or something I should be changing myself to change. It's also not, necessarily, a temporary state I will grow or find my way out of. It may just be the state of my life here on Earth.
It may be that I actually am so different from most people that the chances of finding others who "get" me at a deep enough level for my satisfaction are extremely low. I may be one in six billion. But that does not absolve me of doing my work in the world. And it doesn't mean I don't have close relationships, strong friendships. It does mean that my deepest soul is sometimes lonely as I live my work on Earth. Maybe that will change, and maybe I'll win the lottery. Either way I'd feel joyful about the prospects. But I don't expect it, so I put my active hope for wider belonging into my moving meditation practice. I reach into myself and outward to What Is for my sense of belonging, and I don't hold it against the humans when they can't make me feel as welcome as I make myself.