Thursday, August 26, 2010

Not a Eulogy, really

I lost a friend today. Well, not lost, but he's no longer...accessible. Or maybe he is and I don't know how. You've met him - my friend, the proud Figment, Maverick.

I'm the one who's lost. I'm so lonely.

I knew it was coming. I probably should have known much sooner. I guess I did, I guess that's why I started building distance. But is that what caused his leaving? If I'd stayed with him, could I have learned more, gone deeper, taken him in?

I haven't explained very well. That's because there is no explanation for Maverick, or his predecessors, or for whoever is coming next. I'm not ready for whoever is coming next. I need to grieve. Just the thought of someone else in my mind, mucking around with things, someone I don't know and don't trust. I love Maverick. I love him and I want him to stay. But not at any cost, and I think that is what would be required though I have no idea what it means.

We played one last game of Workout Roulette:. I load up the ipod with albums of my choice, and he picks the songs for our eliptical meditation. There were 509 songs on 56 albums. He chose 7. You can listen if you like (Grooveshark Playlist) or clicking below (but it will navigate away unless you use a new tab).

It was during A Quiet Mind that I knew - in a breath, in a heartbeat.

MW: You're not part of me. (beginning to hyperventilate)
Maverick: Breathe.
MW: You're going.
Maverick: Breathe.
MW: So what? I'm no closer? That's it?
Maverick: I wouldn't say that
MW: I'll be so lonely
Maverick: I'll miss this
MW: This?
Maverick: You

(I can't really capture the rest of the exchange as it was not verbal and I'm just not ready anyway)
And now I'm alone. For now. The red wine is apt but not adequate company.

Postscript: I will refine and publish an account of our last conversations together, but I don't have time to do it justice right now and the feelings above are just more immediate. I feel empty.