Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Oh, no, I need clothes

Normally I feel pretty good about myself.  That is, until I am forced to venture into that dreaded place, The Mall, to shop for clothes.  It then becomes clear that my body not only falls short of the societal ideal, but is, in fact, so oddly proportioned as to be completely and utterly unique in the world. My waist is too short for normal-people shirts, but my shoulders too wide for petite.  My legs are too long for petite-legged pants, but regular ones need 4 inches off the bottom.  And so it goes.  It’s too big on my tummy but tight on my crotch. It’s too small on my tummy but perfect in the rear. The bust is too tight but under the arms sags.

Or it's just ugly, ugly, ugly by design. What's with tiny short sleeves ending in ruffles? Am I six? I look ridiculous. What's with these psudo-maternity tops - I'd like to ignore my leftover pregnant tummy, not highlight it or raise gossipy questions among women who have nothing better to do than watch each others' middles for "bumps."  Little lacy collars - really? Belts around the upper-middle? You've got to be kidding. And what IS that, hanging there? It looks like a swarm of bees - no, it's a FLORAL PRINT that even my grandmother wouldn't have worn in wartime. Do they sit around thinking about how to make the ugliest possible clothes? It can't possibly be a complete accident.

Look, I just want to buy a few pairs of pants that are comfortable and look vaguely stylish. A few tailored-but-not-tight tops in standard "winter" colours like dark purple, red and blue. Short sleeves that end mid-bicep, not cutting off my armpit or boxing out my shoulders. A sleek, sturdy pair of shoes with enough heel that I don't look like a flat-footed granny while maintaining a comfortable step. In other words, I want the same clothing choices that men get, made for women. Is it really so much to ask? I have credit cards, I promise!

I don't have time for fashion, and clearly, I don't fit the profile. Where does one shop for a mumu?