Tender

Tender

Friday, December 10, 2010

Getting Wise

December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?


Wisdom is one thing. A wise decision is another.

If this year had a goal, it may have been de-naiivifying myself as quickly as possible without permanently damaging my hold on hope. I made a meta-decision early in this process that has translated into daily micro-decisions to give myself some slack.

Two parts.
1) Some. As in not none, and not too much.
2) Slack, as in letting go of my embarrassment at how many stupid things come out of my mouth every day, my disgust at my slow progress on my goals, my disappointment in my relatively small ability to influence and contribute. Slack, as in saying, well, maybe you'll do better tomorrow knowing what you know from today. Slack, as in saying, you're making great progress, your speed is above average, just flow with it, chill out girlie. Giving myself the same compassion and appreciation I hand freely to others.

Oh, and swallowing it whole. That's the part that's mostly magician-work.

This is hard to do, but what's harder is getting into the habit of doing it. Reprogramming the brain is a very slow process. Lots of missteps.

Most days I'm putting myself out in the world more publicly than I'm comfortable with, and I feel less confident about how I'm received than I'd like. I soothe or battle my anxiety depending on the day, or walk quietly if it seems to be sleeping. I might have had to quit by now if it wasn't for deliberately taking the time to comfort and be kind with myself. I might have lost my grip.

I said to @AmyOscar this morning that most of my wisdom is in retrospect, and it's absolutely true. She said that makes it no less wise, and since she's a wise woman herself, I"ll take it. It points to something important. Whenever I try to be smart or knowledgeable, to take my wisdom and make it do something, it forsakes me. When that happens, what takes over, be it reason or emotion, knocks me just enough off course that recovery feels outside my power.

When I go in with nothing, feeling empty and useless, and let myself be in the problem, often the path clears itself for me. But not always, and the fear of public failure makes me loathe to trust it.

When will I get wise?


(the wise old owl sat in an oak. the more he heard, the less he spoke. the less he spoke, the more he heard. why aren't we all like that wise old bird? - as recited by my 3yo from her Nursery Rhyme book)

8 comments:

  1. now this is a wise post with a splash of humor. first, you distinguish between wisdom and a wise decision - excellent point. you cut yourself some slack - again, excellent. then you admit head-on that your get in your own way. that tells me, sugar, that you're already there.

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  2. Listen to @whollyjeanne. She speaks the truth.

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  3. This makes me want to cry it's so perfect.

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  4. hold onto hope, always. i had a conversation with another friend earlier this year who said hope is a passive emotion.
    i said it is a vital one.
    and no on ever came into this world wise. and only a couple of people have left it that way.
    it's the striving that counts.

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  5. I so agree with mrs mediocrity . . . and really, in the long run, wisdom only comes in hindsight. You are so right to allow yourself to "be in the problem" and move through it. Sometimes it doesn't work but sometimes it does. OH wow, I see so much of my younger self in your words. HUGS and so much goodness and love to you!

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  6. Your heart is so strong, so very very strong. Who or what are you measuring yourself against? It almost feels like your space for Allowing is choked.

    Allowing your wisdom to show itself, in time.

    Allowing yourself moments to feel justifiably proud of yourself.

    Allowing your situations room to breathe, opportunity to reveal the learning, growth or wisdom they each contain.

    It's so easy to feel weighted by the emotion that rises each time you disappoint yourself ~ please remember that you are also the Awareness that is observing what is taking place, and that you are greater than what is threatening to absorb you.

    I am now here (as opposed to - I am nowhere). I sometimes have to say this to myself many times per day ~ because in some situations, I feel like such a terribly slow study. A colossal failure. A poor excuse for a (fill in the blank).

    I am now here. We are all - now here. Together. And our collective wisdom is mind blowing ...

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  7. "de-naiivifying myself as quickly as possible without permanently damaging my hold on hope" - I love this, wish you the best with it, and want to achieve it myself.

    "Whenever I try to be smart or knowledgeable, to take my wisdom and make it do something, it forsakes me." - So, so true. Wisdom is such a slippery little bugger.

    "When I go in with nothing, feeling empty and useless, and let myself be in the problem, often the path clears itself for me." - Yes, yes, yes.

    I could enthusiastically put the entire post in quotes, but instead I'll just read it again and thank you for writing it. Done, and thanks!

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  8. True that all wisdom is in retrospect. You are IN the problem, experiencing it and making on the spot decisions to resolve the problem. Who knows if they are wise at the moment? Not me. Then you think about it and blog about it and evaluate it and THEN the wisdom has time to emerge. Like developing a film negative, maybe? Love you Which :)

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