But it nagged at me. I went back to read it after lunch. Damn. There it is. They're going to think I'm boasting. Again.
I said good things about myself in my post. That's apparently a no-no, and I understand why - people are apt to interpret it to mean you think you're better, or your accomplishments make you special.
As if accomplishments are what make any of us special. But they can make us proud, can't they? And that's where the confusion always comes in. Because I don't think my accomplishments are as good as most people's, but I'm still proud of them for me, and that comes out in spite of me.
I himmed, I hawed, I debated taking it out, and in the end added a clarifying line to make it clear that I realize I'm not the only special person on the planet. And then I decided there must be more to this, for me. Why do I feel the need to be clear about my pride in my accomplishments? Why can't I just be content with secret self-praise like a good person would? Why do I seem to want to boast?
I spent some time with it. I'm not done, but it's time to pick up the kids and life's like that. I hope you will forgive me if you find me boastful, as a sort of blanket apology since I am likely to do it again. And here is my quasi-poem from my self-work on this today, in case it's interesting.
A boastful nature born of deepest dread
That how things are might not match how they seem
That one might ever escape notice
When notice could change everything
(Could convince one of one’s sanity, quell the overwhelming wish to be of worth and deep suspicion that one is, after all, completely alone)
A boastful nature born of deepest shame
That how things seem might impact how they will be
That one might ever be dismissed
When serious consideration could change everything
(Could change the course of history, quell the overwhelming wish to join and deep suspicion that everything is pointless)
A boastful nature born of deep respect
That how you are, is as amazing as you seem
That you might never be diminished
As your proud shine could not diminish mine.
(Could join together, grand and bright, to light the world, if only we had no deep suspicions)