Tender

Tender

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Thaw

Spring Is Messy


For years, I hid myself from myself
quite deliberately.
I locked myself carefully under ice.

I knew I would become all consuming if I let me.
That my becoming would become me
And there simply isn't time for that.

But I failed.
I failed to freeze myself.
I fanned the flames in secret.
I harboured my fugitive self from my single-minded obtuseness
Feeding her scraps, begging for her contentment.

She was not content. She'd never intended to stay under ice forever.

I didn't want the messiness
the incessant uncertainty
the despair that settles, sickening, in the pit of my stomach

I didn't want the disruption
the financial uncertainty
the tiring hard work of being constantly, really, here

I didn't want the visions
the insights that seem to demand my action
the knowledge that no one is ready to hear.

I didn't want to drift so far away from how Everyone thinks.

Do I have to say that it's hard, to thaw?
It's hard.

4 comments:

  1. It is, very hard. Things that have been numb forever start to regain feeling and that first sensation is often pain. But soon, when the blood starts flowing again, there is warmth, and movement and joy.

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  2. Sometimes it's so much easier to just re-freeze. But it never lasts. I always have to thaw again.

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  3. Cathy, I hear you. I have re-frozen myself but it's never quite as smooth as before, and I end up bumpy and ugly. There's no resisting spring, I think.

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  4. Mrs. M. - I do feel the movement and joy, sometimes. It's a lot like this winter, every day is a new adventure in the weather.

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