Tender

Tender

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A call from the darkness I saw coming as it begins to pass

What can I say that you don't already know?

What can I offer of my heart that is not already in your heart?

Does recognition help?

I lose my way. I let myself down. I become overwhelmed with disappointment in my nature. I've entered the fray and opened my mind and heart as far as I'm able. The wicked wind buffets me, whipping my vulnerability with shards. I shake my head and try to see more clearly while the sludge creeps through my synapses, obscuring and dragging. That moment of clarity, so dearly bought and so easily ridiculed. That moment of peace shown for wishful thinking in a world of impossibility. My meager achievements and points of pride, slid away down the chute on a roll of a die I cast with my own hand. Again and again.

These cycles, they bring me here sooner and sooner. And so far, they bring me out each time when I'm ready. I see their colours coming, I feel their subtle probes, and try to ready myself for creative destruction that precedes restoration (each time, I grasp for hope that this is so). As I learn to observe what I feel and how I feel about what I feel, I come closer to accepting myself with love. Again and again.

So often, she sings me back. Musical Accompaniment from Queen Kate.
Kate Bush Sat in Your Lap

10 comments:

  1. Sliding along a similar path, sending you knowing grins and warm fuzzy hugs.

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  2. yes, you're always here beside me. I reach often for your hand in the dark.

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  3. well, sugar, like i said: you are my shero cause you know when to bow to the darkness and when to punch a hole in it to let in the sky.

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  4. you can say a million things i don't already know because you are the only one that knows what's in your heart, your mind, your soul. i can't know unless you tell me.
    i go through these cycles, probably we all do, or at least those of us that are crazy enough to pursue the creative life do.
    tell me more.

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  5. Jeanne, you make me feel like a hero for being me.

    My Mrs. M. "tell me more" are words my human soul longs for. Want to know me! Want to know me! I love getting to know you.

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  6. I am in awe of how you weave words that speak so honestly & that allow your reader to sit with you & admit they have felt something, perhaps, like this. I, too, want to know more. With love, your laliz

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  7. You always swoop in to my world when I'm feeling so distant and out of sorts. I can't write. I can't twitter. I can't string a coherent thought together... and you do it with such ease.
    Thank you for your presence -- I'm here even when you don't see me.

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  8. Dear B., you are smiling at me as you run past in this marathon. If only you knew how I wrench my words from my mire. I've been in non-coherence - this was my way of smashing at my shell, trying to break out. We're all in this together; we're all in this together. Whatever this is.

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  9. My darling Laliz, you are one of the reasons I write.

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  10. Wow! Your words,your courage,your honesty slay me. No wonder there is struggle, your creativity, your insight go beyond...(wish I had a brilliant word to insert here :) )

    "the cycles...again and again" this incredible paragraph - what a striking metaphor for life itself - a lovely hopeful one

    xo

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