Tender

Tender

Monday, June 21, 2010

A new kind of creature

Here's one way that I sometimes think about my life:

For some reason, I am operating a piece of bio-machinery that I thought was just a tool and, it turns out, completely controls me in every way. So I'm learning to partner with her, to love her, to respect her own strange nature, and we are finding ways to stumble along this terrifying three-legged-race.

To what end? I can't know. The ultimate of can't knows. There's a part of me that yearns, still, for an incontrovertible and comprehendible answer. I nurture that part.  because I do love her, even her - pushy to the point of obnoxious, obsessive, raw, emphatic little her. She's on a lost cause for justice, and it breaks my heart.


So I berate her, try to shake her out of it. I try to control her with a whip. How long did it take me to understand that my body is not a piece of machinery, not inert and simply inhabited by me? She owns this life and I'm riding along, hopefully influencing the outcomes. I achieve my growth in the place where we come together, body and spirit, and we both need to be willing. 

I wonder if it isn't this - the body is conscious, the spirit is conscious, but the only way to live on this plane is as a new kind of creature, a new kind of consciousness that exists only as this particular body and spirit merge. The body is of matter. What is the spirit of?

My particular incarnation of spirit and matter has never existed before, will never exist again, and I am responsible for it. What if I am the most important person on the planet at this moment? Does that change how I live?

Ah, musings for a Wednesday morning.

4 comments:

  1. love your musings! this is a little something i like to call embodiment, and once, several years ago, i spent a weekend in the woods with several other women discussing this very thing. it was a good weekend.

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  2. Oh, Mrs. W - This has touched me right to the center of things today. Last night, I fell asleep reading Geneen Roth's new booK: Woman, Food and God. When the hot flashes began - in their usual way, waking me at two hour intervals from midnight until 6 am, I would pick up that little gem of a book and continue on. Each time, I came across something a little bit more profound than the last time.

    I came away, at about the 1/2 way mark, with the unsettling realization that I have been not living and not feeling my life for the past 50 years. And all because I am waiting until everything is perfect. And by everything I mean: My nose, my hair, my nails, my face, my body, my thighs, my buttocks, my feet, my belly, my ears - well, actually, my ears have never entered into it... but come to thing of it...

    And once my body has been whipped into shape, then I will get to the rest of my perfecting: My house, my kids, my husband, my clothing, my car, my back yard.

    Then, and only then will I invite people over; go to Europe; host that 50th birthday party I missed; start a business, get on a stage and teach people all the wise things I have to share.

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  3. I'm sure it's no coincidence that I finished that book a week and a half ago.

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  4. Okay, so five years ago I had an illness that turned out to be not life-threatening and fixable, but it took a year to figure that out and during that time I was sick. In bed sick. I learned that the word invalid actually means not-valid. I also learned that your body needs love and affection and care because it is the most important thing. It is like the weather. We don't notice so much when everything is good, but when it is bad it is devastating.
    Make friends with your body. Love it. Nurture it. It cradles your soul.

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