Tender

Tender

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Oh, no, I need clothes

Normally I feel pretty good about myself.  That is, until I am forced to venture into that dreaded place, The Mall, to shop for clothes.  It then becomes clear that my body not only falls short of the societal ideal, but is, in fact, so oddly proportioned as to be completely and utterly unique in the world. My waist is too short for normal-people shirts, but my shoulders too wide for petite.  My legs are too long for petite-legged pants, but regular ones need 4 inches off the bottom.  And so it goes.  It’s too big on my tummy but tight on my crotch. It’s too small on my tummy but perfect in the rear. The bust is too tight but under the arms sags.

Or it's just ugly, ugly, ugly by design. What's with tiny short sleeves ending in ruffles? Am I six? I look ridiculous. What's with these psudo-maternity tops - I'd like to ignore my leftover pregnant tummy, not highlight it or raise gossipy questions among women who have nothing better to do than watch each others' middles for "bumps."  Little lacy collars - really? Belts around the upper-middle? You've got to be kidding. And what IS that, hanging there? It looks like a swarm of bees - no, it's a FLORAL PRINT that even my grandmother wouldn't have worn in wartime. Do they sit around thinking about how to make the ugliest possible clothes? It can't possibly be a complete accident.

Look, I just want to buy a few pairs of pants that are comfortable and look vaguely stylish. A few tailored-but-not-tight tops in standard "winter" colours like dark purple, red and blue. Short sleeves that end mid-bicep, not cutting off my armpit or boxing out my shoulders. A sleek, sturdy pair of shoes with enough heel that I don't look like a flat-footed granny while maintaining a comfortable step. In other words, I want the same clothing choices that men get, made for women. Is it really so much to ask? I have credit cards, I promise!


I don't have time for fashion, and clearly, I don't fit the profile. Where does one shop for a mumu?



5 comments:

  1. OMG, this is so very true! And the MIRRORS in all dressing rooms are designed so that you look hideous and as fat as possible. Garments are cheaply made, and they always look terriblel after washing. If I could afford it, I would have all my clothes custom made. Back when my husband and I both had lucrative careers, we had our shirts made for us, and I still WEAR those. Now we are retired, and luckily can wear cruddy clothes all the time. In fact, I blog most days in my pantry, wearing PJs, and with my hair flat. I look like an escaped mental patient,but I am happy as a lark. Has there been any research done as to the actual happiness quotient of larks? Best to you. molly

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  2. Luckily now that I am a rural property caretaker I can dress appropriately and be comfy. But when I want nice clothes I have to make them - nothing in the stores fits. Or perhaps there is something there that does fit. But it is such a hideous shade of mauve that dead people would turn away from it in horror. Or better yet it has Polka Dots! WTH? I buy the pants a little too long thinking they will shrink and of course they don't. If I buy them so they fit just right, of course they DO shrink and I never wear them again. There is no way in the world to fix DORK pants. It is indeed discouraging.

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  3. I haven't shopped for clothes in something like five or six years. And when I did, it was dreadfully painful.

    I looked in my closet a few days ago and realized, I'm bored with almost everything in it.

    All I can say is, sewing and knitting for yourself takes time, but allows creating cool things. And Nordstroms' personal shoppers are pretty good at finding good stuff with minimal pain in the process.

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  4. Last time we went shopping, Girl 1 - Tricia - went on a rant about how all the clothes looked like Laura Ingalls Wilder threw up on Pocahontas. Feeling your pain!! Tricia happens to be sporting the belly right now (7 months along) and let us assure you even then ruffles and bows on anyone over 25 do NOT flatter ;)

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  5. This is why I hate clothes shopping! And you've said it better than I ever could. I wish I could sew (but I really don't like to). I can knit but I'm pretty sure that no good will come of my trying to knit myself pants . . .

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