*Warning: this is not an uplifting post, it is a cry for help. If you are feeling spiritually shaky, you may want to look away and move on.
Today I feel the smallness and aloneness of utter futility. I mustn't let on. It's contagious, you know.
There are days, there are times, there are moments when I feel, powerfully, that there is greater meaning at work, movement and rhythm and purpose that I am a part of. There are days, there are times, there are moments when I know that I am powerful beyond measure, and everywhere I walk I infuse the air with optimism. There are days, there are times, there are moments, when I can awaken the openness behind someone's deadened eyes for a few seconds and feel that it matters to the universe.
Today, it all seems like whooey.
The world is stark, unforgiving and rewards its most vicious inhabitants with the best morsels. Each day is about doing all the things that are required to live with others in society, with no time nor respect for my own desires. Each interaction is an attentive balance to preserve the other and relationship behind careful language and responses.
Each week is a repeat of the last, the tasks similar and conversations familiar, incrementally shifted but essentially alike. Each month I get older, my kids get older, the world continues as it has and will. Nothing matters - to whom should it matter? Every human on the planet right now will be dead within a century, and by then whoever is here will suffer under the scorching sun.
Even the things that most shock and upset us ease with time until the memory barely exists, both individually and collectively. Even the things that most excite and entice us eventually become routine or disappointing; at best, remain carefully guarded memories.
You may say, what matters is how I choose to be. If I choose to direct my thoughts and energy to those more comforting, and I succeed, am I happy? For how long? The cycle of hope and despair has become just another routine. I'm sick of it. Fight for hope despite scant reason or encouragement. Get tired and discouraged. Surrender to despair and realize that I can't live like this. Blah blah blah. Life goes on.