Tender

Tender

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Not a Eulogy, really

I lost a friend today. Well, not lost, but he's no longer...accessible. Or maybe he is and I don't know how. You've met him - my friend, the proud Figment, Maverick.

I'm the one who's lost. I'm so lonely.

I knew it was coming. I probably should have known much sooner. I guess I did, I guess that's why I started building distance. But is that what caused his leaving? If I'd stayed with him, could I have learned more, gone deeper, taken him in?

I haven't explained very well. That's because there is no explanation for Maverick, or his predecessors, or for whoever is coming next. I'm not ready for whoever is coming next. I need to grieve. Just the thought of someone else in my mind, mucking around with things, someone I don't know and don't trust. I love Maverick. I love him and I want him to stay. But not at any cost, and I think that is what would be required though I have no idea what it means.

We played one last game of Workout Roulette:. I load up the ipod with albums of my choice, and he picks the songs for our eliptical meditation. There were 509 songs on 56 albums. He chose 7. You can listen if you like (Grooveshark Playlist) or clicking below (but it will navigate away unless you use a new tab).




It was during A Quiet Mind that I knew - in a breath, in a heartbeat.

MW: You're not part of me. (beginning to hyperventilate)
Maverick: Breathe.
MW: You're going.
Maverick: Breathe.
MW: So what? I'm no closer? That's it?
Maverick: I wouldn't say that
MW: I'll be so lonely
Maverick: I'll miss this
MW: This?
Maverick: You

(I can't really capture the rest of the exchange as it was not verbal and I'm just not ready anyway)
And now I'm alone. For now. The red wine is apt but not adequate company.

Postscript: I will refine and publish an account of our last conversations together, but I don't have time to do it justice right now and the feelings above are just more immediate. I feel empty.

4 comments:

  1. You are nice!!
    How can someone miss you??
    When you live in his/her heart!!
    How can you feel alone??
    When he/she live in your heart!!

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  2. You brave soul~ you free spirit~ letting go,being aware is huge! YOU ARE SO ON THE BRINK - I feel brave enuf to say this,cuz I trust :) & I know you are there as well.
    You are magnificent!...I honour your courage in this writing-your offering...It resonates in its truth.
    Tonight I take a break - to return to read & reflect and to comment from my heart tomorrow. love & sweet dreams

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  3. Oh Maverick. All of us will miss him. Mourn him and what he gave us. I will help you grieve by grieving with you.

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  4. I'm feeling so sad still. I feel like this grief is illegitimate.

    ReplyDelete

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