Tender

Tender

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Forgiveness Pending

Se Pardonner
(Forgiveness)
(Arles, France, 2004)

Bless me, friends, for I have sinned.

Too many times...

I've responded to feeling intimidated
by becoming intimidating

I've responded to feeling alone
by acting as though I was the only one who mattered

I've responded to feeling sad
by denying it
by blaming for my sadness
by feeling sorry for myself
by letting myself crawl in too deep, and telling no one

I've responded to feeling rejected
by removing my caring

I've responded to feeling afraid
by getting bigger and stronger and bulletproof

I've responded to feeling vulnerable
With cynicism

I've responded to feeling angry
by pretending I was okay
by yelling and threats
by shutting down my feelings
by walking away 

I've responded to feeling left out
by removing myself from participation

I've responded to feeling unappreciated
With disdain

I've responded to feeling betrayed
with betrayal
with dismissal
with self-righteousness

I've responded to feeling unheard
by undermining

I've responded to feeling unloved
with shame.

For these and all my sins, I am truly sorry. 

Can I forgive myself?

(can I stop?)